apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
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