omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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