Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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