smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
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