this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
