An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Randomize
