So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize