my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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