What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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