k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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