8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Randomize
