the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
