A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
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