i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
