I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
Randomize
