Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Randomize
