she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
