just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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