so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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