Cold hands, warm shart.
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
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