4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
this beer tastes like vomit already
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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