wake up i wanna do it froggy style
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
