so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
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