gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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