I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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