Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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