I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
where are you?
Hypothermia
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
