I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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