**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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