Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
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