I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
