I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Randomize
