Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Just took my morning after pill in the library
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
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