i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
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