I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
We are all done wearing pants today
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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