she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
