as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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