I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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