Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
