dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
