I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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