Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
