Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
