Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
It's never too late to be topless.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
