I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
