He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
