This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
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