The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
this hospital has no fireball
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
