I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Randomize
