I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Randomize
