drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Little spoons don't ask big questions
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
