Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
