This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
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