my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Randomize
